One of you wrote to me: "I really appreciate your writings. I personally don't believe in "the things" but I am curious enough to read and think about what I have read. I really enjoy your blogs. There is one thing I cannot make peace with; and that is death. I am terrified of it and when someone from my family passes over, I am just crying endlessly. I don't know why. Do you have a few ideas about this topic?"
Well, I actually do, and I really and truly appreciate her honesty that even if she is not a firm believer of these invisible forces and how they influence our lives, she keeps reading my blogs. I hope I will be able to give her and anyone else who has issues with death (and who doesn't) a few "make sense" or "feels right" or "feels familiar" thoughts in this blog.
A quote and a rough translation from Plato: "We don't even know about death whether it is not the very best thing it can happen to us, yet we are afraid of it so much as if we know for sure it is the worst thing of all"
The topic of death is really a double edged sword. It is as she said: 1/ being afraid of experiencing death and 2/ accepting the fact that someone we love is gone. We will never see touch, talk with her or him again. It is a very sad and scary concept to our human ego ad psyche. And plus, talking about death is a very fragile, intimate topic; so it is hard to talk about it in general. Everybody perceives death in a unique and personal way, just like everybody individually experiences "life" itself. We have friends who are kindred spirits and have similar values about life matters. It is the same with death. There are people who think very similarly or even had very similar experiences with death.
Again, since it is a very fragile topic and there are tons of materials out there about all aspects of death: physical, emotional, mental and spiritual, let me come with the attitude of a psychologist and a psychic in this blog. I will leave the emotional and personal part out of it. This blog will reflect mostly the mental and spiritual aspect of death. So please don't feel offended if something hits you or you totally disagree with it. Each paragraph that is coming up is worth to be detailed in a separate book. This means, I can only touch the tip of the iceberg. It will not be a short blog, but I promise, it will be worth to read it. You will find information in this context that you may hardly at all or will not find anywhere else.
Let's start. Being afraid of death is a double edged sword, as I mentioned above. The person who asked me about this topic is afraid to die and she cannot deal with the feelings and pain of someone passing away. Usually the two overlap each other. In order to really know what is happening during death, the best thing would be to sit in a simulator. You could watch and feel everything regarding to death knowing that it is just a simulator and anytime you push the "STOP" button, the program will be over and you will get back to your normal state. But we know it is not the case; so for now we only have resources of books, interviews and personal experiences about anything that is related to death (form being in agony, having a terminal illness, through hospice, through the burial ceremony and the emptiness and pain that is left behind; and we need to start /continue our lives without having that person or pet around we loved so much.)
So in short, death has always been a hot, scary and dark topic and there have always been forces who wanted us to be afraid of death. Again, it is not hard to create scarcity and be able to manipulate humans since we are generally afraid of what we don't know and have no control over.
Another thing is good to keep in mind that fear is a learned behavior. There have been many, many experiments in the field of Psychology how animals were trained/conditioned to be afraid of certain images or sounds. An example from life: if your mom was afraid of frogs and mice, it is very likely that you will be afraid of them too. But for sure, they will not be your favorite animals. This is very similar to death. We have not heard anything good about it, our cultural DNA is programmed (for example owl or a crow is a sign of death in almost any culture) that death is the worst thing that could happen to us.
They had animals and very regularly they lost these animals either because of a disease or they needed to kill their animals to survive. They had their favorite dog to guard the sheep and it got old and passed. They spent days by planting the seeds, but something disastrous happened and the entire crop was gone. They were living with and in nature. They knew the Nature of Life and Death: they knew and accepted the fact that spirits come and go.
In every tribe and village in almost every culture, there was at least one (usually a single) woman who was living in the very last house in the village. She was considered weird and had a fearful reputation. Yet when someone was fatally sick, or wanted to abort a secret baby, they knocked on her door. When someone died and the house was not in peace afterwards, when the spirit should have left, they knocked on her door to calm the spirit down and send it away.
Last thing, back in time, there were ceremonies held that supported emotionally and spiritually both the passed over person and those who stayed here. This blog does not give me enough space to write about these rituals and the meaning of the rituals of death, but one thing is sure. Traditions, attitude and knowledge may have changed during the centuries; we may be less emotionally connected to our inner world, but the fact of how life changes after a loved one passed on hasn't and will never change.
According to Moody and other experts in the topic, each of the people who had a near death experience and remember what happened while they were "dead" said in one way or another that they had met an angel or a light being (many say it was Jesus or the Virgin Mary) that was so loving that the person who was considered to be "dead" could not resist and wanted to follow this loving being. They were able to see, feel, follow and talk to this Light Being and they were able to looking back at their lives and family at the same time. To cut it short, all the people who have had near death experiences were sent back to their body. Some came back voluntarily (knowing they have unfinished businesses on earth), some were forced back by this loving not judging force of love and light.
Those who remember these experiences and remember their conversation with this being usually go through a major change in their approach of life. They were made to understand what the real purpose of life is: LOVE! Any and all aspects of love: feeling, giving, receiving, showing, unconditionally and unselfishly. This does not mean that these people become saints after their near death experiences. They are human beings meaning they have good and bad days, they fall off their tracks, but they never forget that feeling of being loved and cared for without any judgment. Many of these people were interviewed and all of them said they were not afraid of death any more. They got to know there is something on the other side.
So what is going on then? What are we afraid of then? First of all, in our world of technology, computers and busy schedules we got out of balance. We are not connected to our inner universal wisdom of life and death. We got disconnected from the elements of life and death. You see, we haven't changed too much or enough. You learned in history classes that ancient people buried their loved ones with food, tools, cloths sometimes even with pets or spouses to make sure they had everything they needed on the other side.
Basic things have not changed regardless of time in history, now or then. You cannot have a phone call, face time, Skype or zoom with grandma on the other side. We feel lost, helpless and we have no purpose in the other person's life any more. Then life situations keep remind us: we have a family gathering and the chair where granny used to sit is empty now. Maybe she was the one who cooked the best chicken soup and baked the best cake on earth.... These meals and cakes are not on the menu any more. I know you get what I am talking about; I don't need to get into more details.
This is the point when we can talk about mourning, the fear of losing someone and grief. Psychology talks about the five stages of grief (Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, in her 1969 book, defined these 5 stages of grief in her book "On Death and Dying").
"Denial: The first reaction to learning about the terminal illness, loss, or death of a cherished loved one is to deny the reality of the situation. “This isn’t happening, this can’t be happening,” people often think. It is a normal reaction to rationalize our overwhelming emotions.
Anger: may be directed at our dying or deceased loved one. Rationally, we know the person is not to be blamed. Emotionally, however, we may resent the person for causing us pain or for leaving us. We feel guilty for being angry, and this makes us more angry.
Bargaining: This is an attempt to bargain. Secretly, we may make a deal with God or our higher power in an attempt to postpone the inevitable, and the accompanying pain. This is a weaker line of defense to protect us from the painful reality. The normal reaction to feelings of helplessness and vulnerability is often a need to regain control through a series of “If only” statements, such as: "If only we had sought medical attention sooner…", "If only we got a second opinion from another doctor…", "If only we had tried to be a better person toward them…". Guilt often accompanies bargaining. We start to believe there was something we could have done differently to have helped save our loved one.
Depression: There are two types of depression that are associated with mourning. The first one is a reaction to practical implications relating to the loss. Sadness and regret predominate this type of depression. We worry about the costs and burial. We worry that, in our grief, we have spent less time with others that depend on us. This phase may be eased by simple clarification and reassurance. We may need a bit of helpful cooperation and a few kind words.
The second type of depression is more subtle and, in a sense, perhaps more private. It is our quiet preparation to separate and to bid our loved one farewell. Sometimes all we really need is a hug.
Acceptance: Reaching this stage of grieving is a gift not afforded to everyone. Death may be sudden and unexpected or we may never see beyond our anger or denial. It is not necessarily a mark of bravery to resist the inevitable and to deny ourselves the opportunity to make our peace. This phase is marked by withdrawal and calm. This is not a period of happiness and must be distinguished from depression."
Note: to save myself time, I copied and pasted all the content of the 5 stages of grief from the website: https://psychcentral.com/lib/the-5-stages-of-loss-and-grief/
These phases are interchangeable. It is not something that we really can control. It is a natural and genuine flow of our psyche. Sometimes we skip one or two of these stages. But psychology also realized that people who suppress the steps and keep living their life as if nothing has happened, people who don't honor their own emotional process of grief, eventually they will need to pay the price of untruthful grief. When they face smaller losses and downfalls in life, suddenly all the suppressed emotions, depression, anger etc. will erupt as a volcano and hit in a way that was not expected.
So it is totally normal to cry for long hours and feel empty and the urge to contact that person already on the other side. You may feel really accurately that two of you have unfinished business. You need to know yourself and give enough time for yourself to let that person go. Keep in mind that until you hold your ties strongly to that spirit, she cannot really leave the earthly plane and you will have no energy and capacity to deal with the people who are here with you, your family. That is not fair to them, either. Then you will feel guilty for not being there for them. Actually, if people knew how hard and miserable they make those spirits' lives on the other side by holding them here emotionally and mentally (keeping a picture around, constantly talking to them, asking their opinion on certain matters etc), they would let them go much faster. It is just the uncertainty and our control freak ego that wants to know that that person on the other side and we (here) will be fine separated.
Probably you didn't know that the ancient Greeks created a room to make it possible to a person in this life to connect to someone on the other side. They made a special room in which there was a door with a window in it then another windowed door behind it and another etc. The person who wanted to connect with the spirit on the other side sit in front of the first door which was lit in a certain way and after a short while, the person on the other side became visible and they could have a conversation and finish their business. So you see, letting someone go has been an issue for thousands of years (we haven't changed a lot, right?). The key, again and last time, is to learn to let things and people go.
The other side of the sword is when you are afraid of dying. If you visualize that your body is put on the cremation table or "you" will be buried into the ground can be very scary, dark, painful and depressing or hot and flamy. Many people think that by death, their consciousness will be gone too. They think their body will be in the ground and then it is blank; there is nothing, and that is really the end.
What these people don't know that we borrow this body for this lifetime. Everybody has had a dream or a feeling, a déjà vu that things have happened before. People often have a feeling that they had been on the same place before where they are standing right now, for the first time in their life. Why do we have these feelings? Where are they coming from?
How about your soul? The soul remembers!!! Our soul (different from our ego) remembers where we lived, who we met in another lifetime. When we have these feelings or visions about something that had happened before, though we know it was not in this lifetime, are signs that there is something more than just the here and now with the past in our memory and the anxiety of the future. How is that possible that millions of people who have had near death experiences say very similar things about the places and beings they met that were not in this life?
Our soul knows that there is something after life. When I was writing my thesis about the symbolism of death for my Psychology degree, almost everyone at the department was shocked. Most of the teachers asked me: "Why are you writing about death? You are not depressed or are you?" You know the next question a psychologist would ask: "Do you want to talk about it?" :) I said: "No, I am not depressed. I know it is a taboo topic. Most of us are afraid of death. I want to see beyond the veils and find out what people know about death without knowing about it! That is why I will use symbols and archetypes and will not ask anyone directly about death." And I did. And let me tell you, my thesis created a big storm in the department, because the result reached way beyond the boundaries of psychology. The conclusion was (after interviewing about 300 people from all different fields of life and occupations) that we know somewhere deep inside that life does not end at the end of life :) We know inside, we just need some help to get in touch with our wisdom that Einstein verbalized so well: "Energy cannot be created or destroyed, it can only change forms" in other words: energy will not disappear, it just transforms.
If we are energy, not our body but the part that makes our body move. Not the heart, or muscles or the nervous system but the one that makes you get out of the bed, have goals in your life, feeling (un)fulfilled in life, seeking for the truth.... That part knows that there is a continuum on the other side of the veil. And we just think that only a few can peep behind that curtain. But nope. All of us have that skill. You just need to remember how to use that skill.
Now, here is even a more spiritual aspect of fear of death. Most of us have had other lives. Please just believe in it till you read this paragraph and then you can not believe in it again :). So let's assume we keep coming back here to earth because we want to learn something. Do you remember from earlier in the blog what the final conclusion was to all the people who have had near death experiences? It is love (to learn to love unselfishly and unconditionally). But anyway. We have had so many lives and most of them ended in a very tragical way: accident, you were killed, persecuted, died from the pain of being tortured. As I mentioned before, the Soul remembers! Of course, when life or a certain type of death is getting close to you, you freak out! Your soul remembers. Your ego is smart and pushes things into the unconscious so you can live your life. Can you imagine living a life and keep seeing movies in your mind or having feelings of other lives' failures or victories... It is already so hard to focus on the here and now; then how we could handle knowing about all of our lives and methods of death. How about if our unconscious and ego would not be in charge and everything would flood you over? Very often when someone has an extreme fear of death is actually the result of a tragical death experience in another life. Just let's stop for a moment and answer to these questions: What is the way of dying you fear the most? The one you go crazy about and would do anything to escape that type of death? Why is that type and not another? Have you ever thought of it? Very often it happens that someone starts having an anxiety of death at a certain age of her life. Maybe, it is because she is at the same age as when she died in another life. Very often we are afraid of the pain that led us to death in another life and not death itself. So we are afraid of re-experiencing that pain, madness, suffering etc our Soul remembers and is afraid of.
What is the Solution? Look for a soul or a life coach. A therapist may not be able to step over her professional boundaries. Many people love it and nowadays it is very popular to take a "Past Life Regression Session". I personally really do not agree with this technique, but if you are up to opening the lid of Pandora's chest ..., go for it. I am a psychologist and I believe in the wisdom of our EGO and unconscious... you will remember spontaneously what you need to when you are ready... To force it...; it is like forcefully open someone's third eye. Be careful, and chose wisely who you trust to share your inner chaos with, and who you give your hand to in order to lead you out of the dungeon you are in. You know the answer inside!!! Thank you for being open; now you can go back to your original "I don't believe in other lives" point of you. This is how long the paragraph lasts :).
These changes require a lot of adjustment, grief and all the 5 stages I mentioned above to go through, before we are able to integrate to the next level. We do all of these things by activating the elements (wood, air, fire, earth, metal, water and ether) within us (more about it maybe another time). These life situations are a kind of near death experience. How many times we die inside by going through a divorce, a betrayal of someone we loved deeply, being laid off etc.. These are very similar to the stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance) and to the experiences we have before death. Plus, we always have an Angelic/Divine presence more than ever during these tough times of our life. It is just a question whether we see them and accept them or we are blind the same way the spirit who attached to us and blind to see the light. You need to call their attention to follow and go through the tunnel.... (If you don't know what I am talking about, read my previous blog "Be Aware Of Unusual Feelings And New Habits"). Isn't it that we have at least ONE person who guides and leads us through these very rough times of life? Isn't it that this person is showing us the light and supports us with their unconditional and judgment free love? Isn't it very similar to the experience those people reported coming back from the mouth of death?
OK. I stop now. Because I could go on and on. I hope this marathon blog was in a way useful, educational and eye opening, say soul awakening for you. I hope you will make one step away from your fears and will get a better view about your emotions regarding death. If you still feel you need help and you feel inside it is me who can help, fill out the form on the "contact page" and let's set up an appointment; otherwise please share this blog with your friends. Can you name three people in your life who have issues with grief or someone who is afraid of death? Then share this blog with them. Maybe it will help them.
I have much brighter topics in my mind to share with you in the future, so lets' leave the "other side" behind and focus on this life. :)
Please leave your comments here and post your question you would like to read about!